Traumatic Brain Injury Warrior

My New 1911 that I was awarded

2012-02-11T13:38:00.000-05:00

What's new in 2011

2011-07-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've been on my blog. Things have been a little disappointing in some areas and outstanding in others. I attended the DAV [Disabled American Veterans] winter sports clinic for the first time since I've been injured. This year was their silver anniversary. I got to join some of my friends, meet ones I only knew online, and make some great new friends. I had some great instructors and by the end of the event I was cruising down the hill no problems. Just a few tweaks here and there with equipment to make it easier for me.
Funny story, The closing ceremonies of the event included various recognitions for people who had helped with the clinic and some of the initial founders etc etc. There were over a thousand people in the banquet hall and the clamor and noise just induced a pretty bad headache. Which I'm sure the elevation didnt help much either. Anyways, I found a bench out in the hallway near the bathroom. I'm laying there, eyes closed, just trying to relax. Suddenly I get jolted by Sunny, "You have to come in here RIGHT NOW!" "what!?" "Come on!!!" I went back to the room and made my way around the maze of people to the stage where I was presented with a nice award. I shook hands and everybody clapped. I had NO IDEA what just happened. Being as hard of hearing as I am, I didnt understand anything that they were saying as I received it. Exit stage left I make my way back out into the crowd and ran into Cheryl Lynch, my "TBI mom", and AVBI founder. She gave me a great big hug and congratulated me. I asked "What just happened??" to which she replied, "You just won the biggest award of the night! Congratulations!". I muttered a confused, "um oh, cool!" After the ceremony and many congratulations later I finally got to settle down and think, "wow, what did I do that was so special?" I felt very honored when I read the citation inscribed on the crystal award.

DAV Freedom Award
Honoring Outstanding
Courage and Achievement
Among disabled
Veteran athletes

That wasn't the only award I won during the trip. Several of the other TBI veteran friends I decided to see who could grow the best beard. I don't know that the other guys decided to buy into it, but I definitely won. My Italian heritage certainly helped. I don't think a beard is a look I'll be adding as a permanent addition anytime soon.

Now for the bad news. My seizures aren't getting any better. I'm up to three medications for seizures. Tripleptal, Lamictal, and Keppra. I have had several seizures all while on this combination. Seizures while on three or more medications are considered, medication resistant, for obvious reason. I have been waiting to hear from National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD (The Navy's version of Walter Reed). There is a doctor, a nuero-psychiatrist, who does a special program for TBI veterans with medication problems. I would go inpatient for a period of time and be weened off of all of my meds while being monitored and then reworked on better doses and or different medications. It would be nice, as strange as this may sound, to have a seizure while there so they can isolate where it is coming from on an EEG. I've never had any tests being run while seizing so the exact locale is unknown. In our preparations for going, we've been assemblng the pertinent records that will need to be taken. I came across one section that I may have seen before and forgotten or just missed all together.

During my emergency cranioectomy (the surgery to remove my skull to allow it to swell) they also performed a anterior temporal lobectomy. In other words they removed part of my brain. Half of the temporal lobe to be exact. Just when I think things are complex, they get even more complex. In seizure treatment, surgery is a last option that can be done. They can remove that area of the brain that triggers the seizures and more times than not the patient's seizures stop. Seeing how I'm already down half a lobe, I hope that this will not be something that will ever be taken into option. I found some of my CT scans and it is readily evident where the missing brain tissue is. In the following CT slide, the dark area on the left side of the CT (my R side in actual perspective) is where my brain tissue is gone.

Part of the temporal lobe's function is auditory processing. Go figure I lost most of my hearing from the blast. Now, not only do I have problems getting the signal to the brain, now I know for sure that it's missing part of the tools to decipher it all. Brain injury is infinite in it's complexity. There are many other functions of the temporal lobe including, taste, smell. When I first was able to eat again, after many swallow tests, I found some foods tasted very different. I have always loved peanut butter. At first it was disgusting, very strange and upsetting to say the least. Fortunately my tastes have returned to a somewhat normal state. Things taste the "same" as I remember them, but I have to have much more intense flavors to enjoy food. I am a hot sauce king.

In most recent news, I'm helping out American Veterans with Brain Injury's Cheryl Lynch with their most recent project, Mission Possible. The program provides a year subscription to The program is a cognitive training/rehabilitation program that TBI veterans can use to improve certain area's of their functioning. For more information about applying to recieve a subscription (for qualifying TBI veterans) please contact missionpossible@avbi.org

Hope everybody has a great fourth of July 2011 weekend. Thank you veterans past and present for your service.

Three Decades

2010-08-11T14:47:00.004-04:00

The 31st will be my 30th birthday and I never could have imagined the twists and turns my life has taken me on. Leaving my twenties is kind of a weird feeling. I've felt older for a while now. I was twenty five when I got hurt and the five years of age has felt like a blink. My wife and I now have been together for a third of our lives. When you think about it like that, it really makes me feel blessed to have a woman who actually can put up with me for that long.. Just Kidding!! I've been a very lucky man my entire life, thus far.

It's been a little while since my last post, so I'll catch everybody up really quick. We went on a vacation to Greece in May. Went to a disabled veteran bike race in NYC, where I finally got to meet Bob Woodruff. Also Prince Harry, which was an unexpected treat. Other than that really nothing much to talk about.

I also got approved for the new post 9/11 GI Bill. I wasn't eligible for the Montgomery bill that was around before because of my ROTC scholarship and eing and officer. They've now changed it to once your ROTC commitment is up, that is day one for you accrument of GI Bill benefits. If you get a medical discharge, you automatically have 100% benefit of the bill. Which for me means I have the opportunity to get a free Master's Degree. Which of course I need to take advantange of pending my cognitive abilities.

There have been some new adjustments to the bill and they are in the process of getting fully approved. No longer would the payment for tuition be payed to me and I would pay the school plus whatever was owed over the amount covered, the new 2.0 Bill as they are calling it would cover full tuition and fees, even Master's programs. The benefits are good for up to 48 months since I am 100% qualified.

The caveat to all of this is that I will have to be a full time student to recieve the BaH that is payed. Starting at a half time schedule I would not be payed BaH (basic allowene for housing, which would cover my mortgage :) ) But if I take even one credit hour over half, I get it. So I will be taking an easy fun class then I guess. Have to work the system right?? I think I've earned it.

So I am going to spread my master's over 48 months to make it easier for my TBI issues to be mitigated. I can't overload myself otherwise I'll just be setting myself up for failure. The school does have to provide disability services. I will be alloted more time for tests. I will have captions in lectures and a notetaker to provide me with thourough notes from what I've missed regarding hearing loss and brain injury. So I will have critical things for my success. The GI bill provides 100 dollars aa month for tutoring also. I may have to take advantadge of this as well.

The strange part for me, and it shouldn't be, is returning to college at the age of 31. I plan on starting next fall. I know many people do return to get thier MA at this age, so I shouldn't be sensitive and thinking I'm the weird old guy in class. I'm leaning toward social work right now. However it's still up in the air due to the fact that I hear social workers can have stressful times. I am in no shape to have a stresfuly job. I'd literally shut down after a few weeks, if I made it that far. There is the option of doing counseling in the social work field which is where I am leaning on for my focus. I want to help people and I think this would be my best option.

First and foremost I have to take the garduate record exame, GRE, to even apply for graudate school. It's pretty much like an ACT for masters programs. I haven't taken a school exam in well, a long time, so it will certainly be a challenge.
I had a difficult time sustaining mental fortitud to make it through my most recent nueropsychological testing. I'm not sure how a several hour tough, "real", exam would tax me. I have looked into some study books and it is daunting.

I have word recall issues and the vocabulary sections have very high level words. I had and hae a high vocabulary but it's very hidden now. My ability to understand both spoken and written things is much slower. So when I have to do the written comprehension areas, I will be scooting barely by to make it on the time allowance. I do get more time with my TBI disability concession. But whether it will be enough I dont know. One area that I've discovered issues with is my reading speed. I literally read about half the speed I did before and I miss lots of details in the passages. I still, even four years out, can't accept these things. They say, "you are not the person you were, you must accept that." I say I have and in many ways I truly have. But the Mark who was the guy who could walk into an exam with little or no preperation and studying nad ace an exam is no longer there. I will have to learn to be much more disciplined now.

The most daunting thing about the test is the math, and mathmatical reasoning. I flipped through the study book and realized that I didn't even understand how to do some of the equations. I never took many math classes. In HS I took the minimum I had to, to move on with school as I was never interested in it. Same thing in college, I took my requeset statistics class my freshman year, twelve years ago!, and that was the last one. So I will literally be learning all kinds of math and relearning calculus and geometery.

This all ads up to a debilitaing fear of failure. I was never afraid of failure in my life before because I instinctively knew I wouldn't. Something type A personalities are blessed with I suppose. That personality is still there on a surface level but not in my true being. I like to brag on how well I am doing and the great things I plan on doing which does nothing but set myself up for personal feelings of failure. I'm sure nobody truly expects me to get a master's degree after all the things I've been through. They are just happy that I can function period. This all ties back into not accepting that I am not the person I was. I have some pyschological complex of the need to appear and be the best at everything. Type A does have it's drawbacks and it seems to be a mixed thing. It helped pull me along through the hard parts.

I have failure fears so bad that I have many nightmares that are related to failing at school. I need to focus on what I can do and not what I "think" others expect me to do. I hate the overly used statement that I get, "God has a plan for you". No pressure in that statement eh? I know they mean well, but to me it implies that I'm supposed to cure cancer, bring about world peace, and something else great. I may have something great coming in my life, but I wished the ambigous statement would go away. They don't mean it like that, but my psyche interprets it that way. They are trying to say, "it wasn't for nothing"

Three decades, and I have lived more than a lifetime others have. I have heard this 'cliche' statement time and time again. But it's a true feeling I have about everything. Some plod along in life, taking no chances, not thinking about, "how would my life be like if..". Not truly questioning, "what truly makes me happy?".
I still have many life experiences that I look forward to and am glad that I have the opportunity to have my life still and experience. I want to be the old grandfather telling his grandkids "well back in the war your grandpa....".

Three decades that have slipped by without a blink of an eye. Hopefully four or more decades that will have a keen eye to examine and take in all that is going on.

Memorial Day 2010, never forget

2010-05-31T10:34:00.000-04:00

Rochester, NTID/RIT PSA, and Siezures

2010-05-11T13:56:00.003-04:00

I recently returned from Rochester, New York where I filmed a public service announcement regarding veterans with hearing loss. Rochester Institute of Technology and National Technical Institute for the Deaf are hoping to get veterans with hearing loss or deafness to be aware that they have support available to them there if they desire to attend.

Sunny and I stayed with Alan Ford and his wife Catherine, both great people. They took us on a tour around Rochester and we certainly got to sample plenty of the local food. Alan is a veteran,enlisted and officer, and lost his hearing also. He contracted a very rare disease where his cartilage basically disintegrated. We shared stories about our hearing loss and veteran experiences as well. Sunny and Catherine also shared stories of being the spouse of a hard of hearing person. I think it was a good relief for both of us to be with someone that was just like us.

The filming of the PSA was harder than I expected to be. I took an acting class in college, but I found it much harder to "pretend" that all the camera equipment, film director, lighting, etc. wasn't there. Each scene took probably two hours and many takes. I of course probably could fill up a DVD with a bloopers reel. At the end of the day though, I think we have a good product that will hopefully be successful in their campaign. I know Sunny and I will of course watch it and feel goofy just as everybody hates the sound of their own voice. It's going to air in the NY area on Memorial Day. I wonder if there will be any soldiers at Ft Drum that will see and say.. "hey I know that guy". I have a new respect for TV and film actors now. It is certainly not as easy as it looks. Getting a big dose of makeup was strange as well, lol.

The next two days involved a trip to Niagra Falls, which if you've never seen them, it is a must. We unfortunately had a crappy rainy day to do it, but nevertheless they were amazing. The sheer power was beyond comprehension. While in Canada, I acquired some "contraband" in the form of a Cuban Cigar. Sunny was scared to death we'd get caught and in trouble. I'm pretty sure they don't really care about two cigars, they have much more pressing things such as transnational terrorists and illegal drugs right now.

The next day we got a VIP trip to tour the campus of RIT and NTID. I felt like a general getting a tour of a military base. One interesting program I got to see was some research that was going on for the military. They were testing failure incident thresholds for things like helicopter gears and LAV driveshafts. Also working on making the entire military fleet capable of running of JP8. Made me appreciate all the maintenance crap I had to deal with as an executive officer in my unit.

Our trip wrapped up and I was ready to get back to the warmer climes of TN. Sunny had been adamant about making sure I was pacing myself and taking necessary breaks during our filming and trips. Even the film crew was very sensitive to thus via Sunny's advice. After we arrived home from the trip, a few hours later, I had a petite mal seizure. The last few I've had have wiped my memory of the last few hours out for maybe 30-45 min. This one was worse and I couldn't remember what we did in NY completely for about two hours or so. My neurologist then had me taper my depression med the VA upped b/c of my PTSD nightmares. That of course did nothing but decrease my seizure threshold making them more likely. I've finally backed down to my original dose now. I'm still having my nightmares and I am just not sure what I am going to do to control these night terrors. I wake up punching, kicking, thrashing, even falling out of the bed. My heart rate is double, I am sweating, just generally angry and terrified. I think my TBI is aggravating what is already there. Will just have roll with it just like everything else I have in the last four years. I still can't complain though, things could be so much worse.

St Crispian's Day Speech, Henry V

2010-05-02T22:24:00.002-04:00

This speech bears many truths about being a wounded warrior. Thought I would share, most of you will prob recognize the "we band of brothers" line that was the source of the Series namesake.

If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

Wounded Warrior CPT Brogan VLOG #3

2010-04-30T14:08:00.000-04:00

Spring and TBI issues

2010-04-17T16:08:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, beautiful weekend here. Taking a break with Sunny from the insanity of pollen in the air right now. In better news, I'm working on a new video of my Iraq and injury/recovery experiences. I'll be sure to post once I'm finished with making/editing it.

I'm really hoping this nice weather gets me feeling a little better. I'm not depressed, just more or less like a battery that needs charging. This TBI thing is just frustrating. I think that the lack of energy is really on of the worst symptoms I have. I have had some other symptoms creeping up on me though. I'm not sure why or how things come and go like that. I've had a lot of difficulty with processing words in my speech. For example, if I tried to say "The car was really fast" I would end up saying "the cast was feely far". Very strange, I'm not sure why this is suddenly hitting me, and it is only occasional. I'll get very frustrated and keep saying it til I get it right. Not to mention I may be at a loss for finding a word period to fit the thought I'm having at the moment. I have a pretty high vocabulary but that doesnt matter when I can't recall it.

I'm beginning to understand the mantra that a TBI is a lifetime injury. Maybe the increase in seizure activity has something to do with this? Hopefully it subsides. I've been reading a lot about the new HBOT (hyperbaric oxygen therapy) treatment that is being tested to treat TBI and PTSD in soldiers. I'd like to try it but not sure how to be involved in it. No guarantees for it working, but worth a shot I suppose. I don't expect a full recovery or anything, I think they are focusing on mild TBIs but at least maybe the symptoms could be helped some. I've gotten better about organizing my self. I've got a giant whiteboard on the wall right behind my moniter with a calender and important tasks so that I have to look at it every morning when I get on the computer. PDA's and that stuff are nice, but one, you have to remember to look at it, and that's only if you remember which drawer you stuck it in, lol.

I'm headed to NY next week to shoot a PSA (public service announcement) with Sprint and NTID (national technical institute for the deaf). I met a guy at the hearing loss convention who is a veteran and works for them. The focus of the PSA will be on a caption telephone and I will play the part as a soldier using it to call the school to find out more information about attending. It will air in the NY area and Ft. Drum. I hope that it will help some soldiers who are at Ft. Drum and have lost their hearing and would benefit from such a phone. I know the phone is one of my greatest challenges.

I got new glasses, the first pair ever in my life, from the VA last week. Fortunatly the VA actually had a stylish selection. I expected the only choices to be giant old man aviators or something. It's not a big prescription just a bit of nearsightedness. But watching TV and trying to read the captions or words on a video game are so much easier. I didnt realize how much my vision had decreased. I know that is partly due to the TBI as well. I have a blind spot in my upper right vision are from the TBI also. Vision is controlled by that back part of your brain and well, pretty much my whole brain was injured, at least in some part. Some areas of course more severe than others.

I'm going to go for now and try to enjoy this great weather and have a relaxing weekend. Maybe I can motivate myself to go out and try some fishing this weekend. Might as well take advantage of my free license I got from TN. I got a lifetime hunting/fishing license because of my VA disability level. Pretty cool.

Oh and last Sunday was my 4th Alive Day, one more year down. Time is just ticking ticking away. Glad things are pretty good now with my life.

Smoked in the Smokies, Alive day #4

2010-04-12T15:45:00.003-04:00

I just returned from a hike in the Smoky Mountains with a expedition group that coordinated through Wounded Warrior Project to take some wounded vets hiking.

I quote the email containing a description of the event and it's intent

"All activities will be low impact and the pace of all hiking is done at each participants comfort level."

What actually happened? We were all given 30+ lbs packs and force marched up a rough, rocky trail for a total of 12 miles in two days. While the staff bemoaned about being slow, unknowingly. Were I the trooper of ten years ago, most likely could have marched them into the ground yelling come on soldier what's taking you so long. Today, I am by no means that man anymore. Sunday, April the 11th was the fourth anniversary of my being wounded or "Alive Day" soldiers have come to proclaim this day.

I understand that many times the intent is to "build confidence" by doing difficult things. Rather than this, I came away with a sense of defeat, as if to have had it shoved in my face that I no longer could perform at the level I used to. Great that the expedition team wanted to help wounded veterans. However, in hindsight I believe that anyone wishing to plan events should spend time with them, either in rehab centers at Walter Reed or a VA rehab center. Although many media spots show some wounded warriors climbing rock walls and running for miles on prosthetics, many of us are not capable of this. Kudos to those who can perform this, but as I have bemoaned from the beginning, traumatic brain injuries are very underplayed and understood by both the DoD, VA system and society as a whole. We "look fine" but in reality we are absolutely not. Our fatigue levels are much higher, our balance is worse, coordination is a challenge, etc. etc. Not to mention the fact that I also have a spinal cord injury that causes weakness, vestibular damage that causes vertigo, especially at altitude!! But alas, I "Look fine". I was not able to hear the under the breath musings that were going on between the staff, but my wife overheard a few going on about carrying my pack back for me and whether they wanted to. My balance was so bad coming back down that I nearly fell several times. We were required to cross single log footbridges that were barely navigable for me.

In summary, we would have never imagined what we would be doing four years after that fateful call to Sunny. Yes, it is a major feat to not only be walking but carrying weight and through the woods. Was it a task that I was up for and in my opinion "successful" in completion. Nope!

Now it's time for some "R&R" for this tired "Old soldier" so to speak. Old being the key word. Not so much in age, but wear and tear. Glad to be home. We made a good friend while there and ran into a quite questionable Guardsman that claims to have PTSD and TBI but says he was evaced from Kuwait for heat injuries. I am concerned there is fraud in the works since this is something he is going forward to the VA with to claim disability. Alas, so many in the system are fradulent. Sad that it takes away from the truly deserving.

Well, one more Alive Day down, hopefully sixty or so more to go...

Midnight Patrol

2010-04-07T13:37:00.000-04:00

Late in the hour the route he travels

Face full of dust, diligence a must

Faith few know, in his brothers he keeps

Fear the world at any moment unravels

Only chance and evil controls

The night into which most would flee

Horrible Blogger

2010-04-05T16:46:00.004-04:00

Wow,

Not sure why I created this blog considering I blog only every several months. Well OK, guilty, 8 months in this instance. I just have no motivation to do it. Great example of how TBI affects me. I only have a limited supply of motivation and well, lets just say I proverbially have pretty bad mileage on it.

What's new with me? Nothing drastic, although things have seem to kept pace. Something new and exciting coming along always. This time it is a trip to NY to film a commercial for a caption phone that Sprint is releasing. The target audience is veterans with hearing loss and will be aired in the NY area around Ft. Drum.

Finally Sunny and I have booked the trip to Greece that we've been contemplating for several years now. The trip will consist of eight days in Athens and Mykenos. The tour will be a completely land based trip which I like better than having to worry about getting back to the cruise ship.

I'm still putting off school, a procrastination that I need to break. Although I am realizing that I don't necessarily HAVE to go to school, but I should take advantage of the free degree.

No more outstanding things going on my life right now. Things are pretty status quo. Hopefully I can get my motivation efficiency ramped up some. Writing is something that is good for the soul.

Twenty Nine Years

2009-08-31T11:09:00.005-04:00

Today I turned twenty-nine. Wow life passes by quick, I was only twenty five when I was injured. I'm afraid I'll blink and be forty, then fifty and so on. After having nearly lost my life I want life to slow down some so I can savor it better as it goes along.

I realized that life goes by faster than you really wished it wouldn't. I don't want want to blink and be forty and still figuring out my life after my injury. I have do try harder, to do something to truly call my life meaningful. That and earn some money while doing it. I don't want to be a disability leach and not try to get out and contribute to our work force. I do have huge fears though. I'm afraid I won't keep up. That I won't be able to perform to the level that is expected of me. I am too proud to take any less of a job that I would've expected before my injury. This may be my greatest fault. I do however know that I have the confidence to have an equivalent amount of responsibility but without the intense pressure.

I've decided after the disappointing no I got from Congressman Duncan's office I am finally realizing I can't focus on a failure. It wasn't really that big of a set back really, I have the luxury of being able to absorb many failed attempts and if I don't keep pushing I may well turn forty, fifty in a blink and say, what happened??

My desire to help people, namely veterans and the disabled, is easily manifested through the social work profession. I have a friend who is currently pursuing this avenue with the same desires. I look at him as a role model and mentor in dealing with my recovery. He sustained a severe TBI as well as the result of an IED attack. He was in my unit from Alaska and I remember very clearly the day the call came over the radio in Mosul that a Stryker had been hit by an IED and was knocked off a bridge as a result and the passengers were seriously injured as a result. My stomach twisted at this news and I felt a little nauseous.

People say things happen for a reason as I have even debated in some of my musings. I did not know Mark before the deployment but I did come to know him through my recovery. In a sense we have become closer in spirit than most due to our parallel experience. Maybe in a strange way we both have a purpose together to advance care for the injured in our own ways.

As I write this blog I have received a phone call from WWP and gotten a few emails, one to include a tip about a ski trip this spring.. So maybe things will pick up a little this week. Oh that and some info that my plastic surgery for my head is approved... So time to get back on track and moving...

Posting again soon...

Long Time No Post

2009-08-10T23:34:00.002-04:00

My motivation and commitment have taken a big hit lately. For some reason I have hit a wall of sorts. I have had a strong drive to get out and be active but I am forgetting that I have limits. Limits that I don't even understand yet. This, testing the waters, so to speak is a little frustrating as I am slowly understanding that I am just not going to be able to go 100 mph "balls to the wall" like I used to.

Thing are going well outside of the inner personal struggles. Despite my foibles I am still finding time and energy to get out and participate. I have also found and re-conciliated some personal failings in my life that have been around for many years dating back to my child hood. While I won't disclose what they are on a public forum, let's just say it is good to put some past failings of others that were transferred to my psyche in perspective.

I unfortunatly also had a dissapointign experience with Congressman Duncan's office.
I met with his chief of staff at his request to discuss the options of my possible fellowship. Well basically it came down to, "well we just don't have office space or positions of responsibility for someone else" Welll... let's just say, I'm a VETERAN expert, YOUR Office doesn't fund the fellowship. Soo basically your getting a free worker that will help your constituency in assisting veterans and their families from a seriously injured OIF veteran, and your saying NO??? WTF, oh well their loss, something will come along and then they'll regret that they didn't have me around. Guess I won't be voting for him.

I did have the WBIR local news crew stop by the house by report John Becker's request. There is a new PTSD clinic in the works in Sevierville, TN. It is going to be open for veterans, their families, and also firefighters and law enforcement as well. I have apparently become a point of contact for the OIF/OEF opinion in this area. Yet again, I am a little at a loss for why Duncan would just so easily dismiss my request. I do after all have the program director Patricia Orsini and Speaker of the House, Pelosi's VA advisory an ex Marine Major in my back pocket. The stars seemed lined up but alas politics as usual, people have their own interests at hand. I would love to be involved in politics to help others, but I think that I wouldn't last very long, I would piss off too many Party liners.. I am a big advocate of the two party system going away. Even George Washington saw it coming, he railed political parties in his farewell speech saying that "political parties will be the downfall of this nation." I think it may be true, we have just become waayy too at odds with each other. I think most Americans are truly ignorant and just identify with one based on either false or perceived assumptions and don't even understand what they are really supporting..

OK, I'm stepping off of my political soap box I tend to get a little too long winded with those. Now that the fellowship turned out to be a bust I think that school will truly come to the forefront now. The new GI Bill is official this month and I am eligible for 100% benefit of it. Amazing that could be a great opportunity, I may have two degrees completely funded by the U.S. Military. I'm hoping that I can shoot for a masters, I need to get boned up on the GRE and take it.

Well outside of life goals I am just having a good time with life and realizing that I am starting to get old! I will be 29 this month and as some may say, that "ain't" OLD yet. When I look back and realize ten years ago was my sophomore year in college I KNOW that time has really ticked by. I have accomplished and endured a lot, more than likely most, but I don't want to sit around and dabble for the rest of my life. I am scared that the next few years will be a period of indecision and time will just keep going and before I know it here comes 40 and bam, my early/middle adult years are basically over. So, decision time, gotta be bold...

I think this post has turned into a bit of a vent, a cleansing of my thoughts. I will try to keep maintaining this blog better. Writing is good for the soul and I should be more diligent in maintaining the mental benefits from it. Well, all for now, as Gen MacArthur said to his Troops in Korea " I shall return"

Alive Day Blog

2009-06-12T00:55:00.001-04:00

The 11th of April, a day of no meaning for most of the world sans a select few. Three years ago I was unknowingly about to embark on the journey of a lifetime. I don't remember knowing what the actual date was. Dates begin to blur together after several months of daily operations with no weekends and set work days. They just become another number in an operations order letting you know when you've got to execute your mission.

I remember the cool crisp air and "moon dust" that swirled around our vehicles as we headed into the town for our mission that day. The horrors that my men were to witness that day were forever deleted from my memory. I would stay in a comatose state for the next 18 days. Somewhere in the hazy surreality, I began to slowly realize my new reality. That day would change my life forever. During a patrol I led my patrol on a suicide bomber strapped with three mortars walked around a corner in a market. He killed on of my soldiers and injuring two including myself. I was terribly hurt, my soldiers thought there was no way anybody could have survived such a blast. My skull had been penetrated by shrapnel and my arm nearly severed. Later during my evacuation in Germany they would discover shrapnel in my spinal cord which they assumed would cause me to be a quadriplegic.

My wife was called with the worst of news. Come to Germany and make a decision, he is most likely not going to surive and if so he would be comatose for life, quadraplegic, lose his arm, etc. She firmly told them, " you bring him to me, then I will make the decision". Once I arrived in D.C. she belived that I was going to be all right and I pulled through.

My journey of survivorship started in a animilistic stage of primal survival. My broken body was guided by the amazing medical system the military had crafted. They worked me through to the point where my survivorship was something I was concious of and began to take responsibility for.

All you can think about at that point is, I have to push through this and things will be the same as they were before. The acceptance that they will never be the same haven't had time to sink in. This is probably a good thing as it keeps you from being discouraged at the critical stages of healing.

Having had a fairly severe traumatic brain injury, TBI, the understanding of what was really happening was a delayed process. It wasn't until five months after the injury that it finally hit me and I cried every day for a week. It was the strangest sadness I've ever had. Unlike complete grief that one may experience from the loss of a loved one, the permanence is tempered with a happiness that one has survived such an unbelievable incident. You think, "how is this possible, how and why am I still here?"

It took me what seemed like a long time to me to figure out some of these things. In retrospective reality it wasn't until the first anniversary of my injury that it hit me. Wow, look how much I have achieved in one short year. I am walking, talking, able to take care of myself for the most part. Yes there are residual issues from the injury but they can be dealt with. If things have improved this much in one year, where will this improvement go in the future.

Three years from this fateful day, here I sit contemplating the meaning of this journey. I may not have all of the answers and I believe that is part of the key to survivorship. Not having all the answers keeps us moving forward, searching. Looking around the next corner to see where we can continue to take our lives and make it have meaning. Many people go through life without thinking about making their life have meaning till it is too late to have meaning. In a way, this has given me a gift. A gift to see the ability to see that life is a gift to make meaning out of this world.

Some may say, a gift? Are you crazy? Yes it was a tragic event and I do have issues that will affect me for a lifetime, but that can't stop me from continuing my life. I am here, what I do from now own is up to me. No one else can decide that for me.

Veterans Retreat Blog, Wakatobi Best Vacation Contest Entry

2009-06-11T13:39:00.001-04:00

Eleven years ago, in 1998, I made a decision that would change my life forever. It seems that the world has it's purpose or just a coincidental journey depending on how you look at it. I joined Army ROTC at the University of TN-Knoxville. I, as the oath to enlist says, took the obligation freely and with no mental reservation. Maybe I was naive to think that we wouldn't be in a war anytime soon, no one did. As most college freshman I was carefree, more worried about the next party, exams, and girls. I had no thoughts of how actions, decisions, and events shaping our life and whether it was destiny or what may come just well comes... I still remember 9/11 much like many other people do. Precise location, actions, and reactions. I had just returned from my daily workout to hear from my roommate that a plane had crashed in a building. Nothing too rousing in this day and age of tragic media broadcasts. After a shower, it of course became immediately clear that the world had changed. Greatly so for all of us in my apartment as this was our senior year and we were a few months from becoming officers in the U.S. Army. That oath we took so freely and readily would be put to the test. How would we react. Would be courageous knowing that it was a matter of time before we would be in a far away place, bullets flying over head, just like our grandfathers had told stories of. This all seemed so distant to us, the Nintendo generation. We commissioned as second lieutenants exactly eight months to the day, May 11 2002. As we expected, we did wind up in this far away land, Iraq. I served as a platoon leader in charge of twenty-eight men. Twenty-eight men looking to me to lead them through hell. Yes me, that was a daunting prospect. The field exercises in the woods of Kentucky had one lacking thing, the true fear of the unknown. Would I perform admirably, courageously, or let my men down? My mettle was tested more than I would've cared for it to when a suicide bomber blew up behind me with only four months left in my deployment. I lost one soldier, breaking my promise to bring all of my men home and for that I am truly sorry. I can never repay SGT Hess for saving my life by bearing the brunt of the blast. I can only live for him, honor him through living my life fully and not looking back at the event. I did keep one promise though. I promised my wife I would come home, and come home I did albeit not in the preferred fashion, but home non the less. Everybody has the story of how they met and the connections, circumstances leading to it. When I look back at how I came to meet Sunny, my incredibly resilient wife and soul mate, it really does seem like the stars aligned because they knew what lay ahead. We were set up on a blind date and we connected quickly. Looking back at college, there are so many events that were so mundane an unremarkable at the time that have in the end came to shape who I am and where I am today. To quote Robert Frost, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference."I can't change, no one can, how our past has affected us. We all look for meaning in our experience. I am quite a skeptic of destiny as I feel we shape our destiny, but it's hard to deny that something isn't out there somehow secretly preparing us for what's to come. How could we have known that back on the night of the blind date that she would one day recieve a call from the government, telling her that I had been severely wounded. She has been an infallible rock in my life. I've heard that behind a good man is an even better woman. I admire her for her strength, which I am not sure that I could've rivaled. My injuries included a severe traumatic brain injury, TBI, which has become the signature wound of the current conflicts. The extreme pressure from IED, bomb blasts impact the brain terribly and to add to the damage, I had shrapnel pierce through my skull into my brain causing massive bleeding and swelling. Surgeons were able to reach me in time to perform emergency nuerosurgery, techniques and quick care that were unavailable in previous conflicts. My recovery was long and difficult. Partially through my stubborn nature and that of my wife's as well, we were able to get back on our feet after three long years. I am now retired from the military and living the American dream as a new homeowner. I will always deal with some level of difficulty from my injury. However realizing that this can't and will not stop me from having an incredible life is essential. I have yet to start a new career, but have become an active veteran advocate in my community. I have even had the honor of testifying before Congress, sharing my experience to better the system for returning wounded veterans. An event in my life that no one could've foreseen as I lie in bed comatose for seventeen days. As I was browsing the Internet one day, I came across a website for an organization, Veterans Retreat, www.veteransretreat.org. It immediately caught my attention. Through my recovery and new endeavors, I had yet to take advantage of many of the leisure opportunities out there for wounded veterans. Much of this was due to the physical limitations of the skull removal, cognitive difficulties, and active, daily rehabilitation. I had found that there just really was "no time" for this. I contacted them and Tim Suereth, their founder soon thereafter contacted me and welcomed both Sunny and I to come to Miami and participate in their program. I soon found out that Tim's brother had a TBI much like mine. He understood the great deal of hardship and amount of work and energy it takes to go through such a process. I was able for the first time to truly have a specialized experience for a "wounded warrior". For the first time, someone was "giving back" to me. The more time I spent with Tim and his wife Diane I began to understand it was more about paying it forward. Using this experience to shed light on what I can, what we can do to bring others into the circle of "giving back". Community is essential to recovery and support, through this experience I was able to feel just how much good we can give to some one. Tim gave me the opportunity to take flying lessons, which has been one of my child hood dreams. I had hoped to fly helicopters in the Army, but did not meet the very stringent physical requirement due to a slight colorblindness. During the lesson, it was a little hard to believe that I was actually flying a plane. Three years ago I could barely walk ten feet. Now I was controlling a four-thousand pound plane hurdling 80 knots through the air. Quite an improvement in a few short years. Returning to my original question: do things happen for a purpose, are they random, or do we make the purpose from the mess? Strangely and more than you may expect, all of these experiences have connected to make for the situation I have arrived at today. From being a naive college student, a military officer with the lives of others on your shoulders, and a person who was on the brink of death, comatose, having to relearn daily activities most of us take for granted; I have just started what I believe will be a life of reward and positive contributions. The incident itself will never be understood. Maybe it's just a lesson in sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't easy, not everyone can do it. But for those who can and will, we all become inspired to sacrifice which is how society continues it's path of good will. I recently heard a quote “ scars are tattoos with better stories”. Hearing this quote made me think of the permanence of my battered, scarred body. I think of two quotes from Shakespeare's from Henry V, which is better known by people from the popular HBO series Band of Brothers, that bear perspective on this. "He that shall live this day, and see old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.' Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.' Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot, But he'll remember, with advantages, What feats he did that day"“This story shall the good man teach his son; And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remember'd; We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother.”In honor of the scars I bear, the sacrifice I had given, I decided that a tribute to that sacrifice would be a tattoo forever reminding me of the meaning of the marks that I bear for a lifetime. During my trip to Miami I was fortunate enough to be in the same location as a widely known and made famous by TV parlor, Miami Ink. Tim was kind enough to oblige my idea and I was able to have this permanent reminder engraved on my skin. Although I will never forget why I have the marks on my body, some may have no idea why they are there. The tattoo will forever remind people of the cost of war. Our nation's oldest medal, the Purple Heart, commissioned by our first commander in chief, George Washington will forever be inscribed on my arm along with the date of my injury. This date is known as your “Alive Day' in soldier terminology. The day is celebrated not mourned. Celebrated for your second chance at life. I believe that we all have an understanding of life that no one else without a near fatal injury can replicate or understand. I welcome life openly now and celebrate who I am, who I was, and who I will be one day. Enjoy your life and cherish the experiences and people you meet along the way.

Life Continued

2009-05-16T20:46:00.004-04:00

These last several months have marked a huge turning point in my life. My year started with a present from my grandmother n law. A book called, "I will not be broken" by Jerry White. She had seen Jerry on TV and thought that it would be a beneficial book for me to read. Little did I know that I would be working with Jerry and his organization, traveling to both D.C. and NYC while also opening other opportunities for me.

I've learned a lot from the power of getting moving and giving back, two of the main mantra's of Jerry's formula to overcome obstacles in your life. Since the beginning of this year I have become involved in many organizations. I have joined the VFW, DAV, American Legion, Military Order of the Purple Heart, and the Hearing Loss Assn of America, while also being involved with Survivor Corps, Wounded Warrior Project, Army Wounded Warrior, and Veterans Retreat.

I am a very busy man and I am loving it! I know that I must be cautious about my load as the brain injury can affect my stamina and ability to keep up, but I say the hell with that... It keeps me from letting the brain injury define me. I was somewhat suprised but mostly not when I took a life's purpose class which defined my lifes purpose as "helping disabled/veterans through knowledge" This is exactly where I have come to find my position in life.

Life is about giving not taking. As I was talking with the leader of my hearing loss group today she told me, "there are two types of disabled people, ones who are takers and ones who are givers." She explained that far too many disabled people fall into the trap of gimme because they are offered so much assistance and they get used to it and dont think about paying it forward. I have most definatly run into those people. In Jerry's book he calls this the "victim trap" and it really is a fitting term. The person feels sorry for themselves looking at their position as limiting.

Alive Day

2009-04-14T00:10:00.001-04:00